Yesterday was my 8th wedding anniversary. I’ve known my husband for 10 years, and it’s hard to imagine my life without him in it. This past October, we had a major scare that really made me evaluate my relationship with my husband. For 24hrs I thought my whole world was going to come caving in. I realized that without my husband I’m really out of my element in the world. I can’t take care of 3 kids on my own, and I don’t want to, I can’t go through all their major milestones without him, and I don’t want to. I use to always joke about how I would be able to move on, even he has said that I’ll be able to move on with no problem, but I realized in those 24hrs, that I couldn’t survive without him, because if he left or died, my heart would be gone with him. I realized that i had so completely given my heart to him that I would be an empty shell without him. I mean come on, you think I would have had this all figured out a long time ago….. but nope dense blue bunny….. right here.
So where do I get the title of this little soul vomit? This past weekend my husband and I celebrated our anniversary up in the hill country of Texas. It was wonderful, we talked about everything and anything, only mentioned our 3 crazy kids a few times, and it was like a 3 day date. It had been so long since we both just got to unwind and enjoy each other without stress and interruption. We went to dinner our last night there and while there we really dug deep into talking about the spiritual gifts… you know “healing, speaking in tongues” those gifts. We started talking about healing and thats where I finally unburdened myself with something that I’ve been holding onto for a long time. I know that God heals, I know that healing is happening all over the world every day and that God is very much still moving for His people to be healed. But what I’ve held onto is the fact that God has told me “I am not going to heal you. You are this way with a purpose.” And I’m going to be honest, He told me this when I was 9 years old, I was so angry with God. This past weekend I realized that I was still holding onto this anger. So I bared this last part of my heart and soul to my husband, I shared my pain and anger with him. He didn’t run, he just sat there at this little restaurant while I sobbed my way through my confession. Holding my hand as I bared my soul, finally letting him see all the pain that I tend to hold onto as not to burden others. What I discovered was, that my husband sees me as beautiful, even with all my scars, even with the marks on my body from my own fingernails, even with my ever present anger and self loathing, so if he can find me beautiful I know God finds me beautiful. But I just wish that God would tell me why. What is this purpose God? As I’ve grown, this issue has lessened, but it is still ever present. Maybe like Paul, this is my ever present thorn in my side, keeping me humbled and reliant upon God. All I know is, after finally sharing this burden with my husband, a weight lifted from my shoulders. I felt for the first time in a long time that it was ok to be in my own skin.
I know there are still going to be days that are really bad, that I’m going to cry out to God like I always do, and the answer is going to be the same, “No, it’s for a reason.” On those days I’ll just have to lean more on my husbands support, focus more on getting closer to God. Even if I never know the reason, I know that God has His reasons. I can’t promise that I won’t be angry with Him over this again, but I know that sharing this with my husband has lessened that anger, because I’m no longer alone in this knowledge.